47 Things
by ebony hope
Summary: A collection of lists of 47 things to do or not to do when associated with the Cullen family.
1. 47 Ways to Irritate Edward

**47 Ways to Irritate Edward Cullen**

**DISCLAIMER: **_**SOMETHIN' TO BELIEVE IN IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY DEATHS OR INJURIES INFLICTED UPON BY EDWARD CULLEN. ALSO, SHE SHALL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY STOLEN PROPERTY, MISSING FAMILY MEMBERS, VANDILISM, OR ANY HARMFUL ACT. INSTEAD, TAKE IT AS A LESSON TO NEVER AGGRIVATE EDWARD CULLEN.**_

Tell him Bella went on a date with Jacob.

Tell him that Jacob is transferring to Forks High.

Put an ad the newspaper under Edward Cullen's name requesting a 'bed buddy.'

Sign him up for eHarmony.

Pour pink paint all over his precious Volvo.

Blame it on Emmett. (NOTE: You may have two vampires after you.)

Replace all of his jeans or khakis with bottomless leather chaps and tell him you thought it'd suit him better.

Cut the strings in his piano.

Kidnap Bella and tell Edward you took her to the Volturi, when really, you just took her to lunch.

Stand next to him and picture Bella naked.

Stand next to him and picture Mike naked.

When he tells you shut up and stop thinking, picture Mr. Banner naked.

Throw up on him when you picture Mr. Banner naked.

Throw up on Bella.

Superglue his CDs to the ceiling.

Have Emmett and Alice help you force feed him baby food.

When Bella is working at Mike's family's store, tell him that they're selling porn movies.

Buy him a dildo for his birthday.

Announce to the whole school that Edward Cullen is a 107-year-old virgin.

When he tries to protest, shush him and insist it's true.

Set him up on a date with Jessica.

Nail Bella's window shut so he can't sneak in and watch her sleep.

Tell Charlie that Edward's been sneaking in.

Set Bella up on a date with Mike.

Make Bella cry.

Sell his Volvo on eBay.

Sell his piano on eBay.

Sell Bella on eBay.

Tell him that Chuck Norris is after him.

When he asks you what you're talking about, roundhouse kick him in the face.

Refuse to go near him because you think he has the Spanish Influenza.

Program his cell phone to only play Hannah Montana every time he presses a button.

Tell him he should join the True Love Waits Club.

When he protests, ask him he isn't getting any.

Panse him on the way to class.

Panse him in the cafeteria.

Panse him in front of the cheerleading squad.

Set him up on a blind date with Mike.

Set Bella up on a blind date with Mike.

Videotape it and broadcast it to the whole school.

Challenge him to an eating contest in front of the whole school.

Steal Jasper's Confederate Uniform and blame it on Edward.

Make obvious innuendos about his non-existent sex life.

Paint the keys to his piano pink and purple.

Photoshop a picture and put Edward's face on Kim Kardashian's body.

Program his car to only play "Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears everytime he turns on the radio.

Show him this list.


	2. 47 Things Emmett Cannot Forget

**47 THINGS EMMETT CULLEN CANNOT FORGET**

It is not polite to ask people for their sexual orientation.

Scissors are for cutting household items, not elevator cords.

Bella does not want to be blond. It is impolite to put blond hair dye in her shampoo.

You are not a fairy princess. No one wants to see you in a tutu.

Having sex is prohibited in school.

Alice does not like it when you try on her shoes.

Esme does not like it when you paint the house different colors.

Harry Potter is a fictional character; as is Voldemort.

Do not tell little children that Voldemort lives in your closet. He is fictional.

Chuck Norris is not after you.

You are not Chuck Norris, and you may not roundhouse kick people in the face.

Bella and Edward do not like it when you interrupt an intimate moment by sitting in the middle of them on the couch and saying, 'so, what are we going to do today?'

Bowling balls are for bowling—not baseball.

DO NOT under any circumstances prank call the Volturi telling them that they have a won three cases of gentle glide tampons. They will not find it funny.

Alice will be angry with you if you superglue all of her stilettos to the ceiling.

NEVER under any circumstances, call Alice fat.

Do not paint Alice's Porsche different colors.

Do not ruffle Alec and Jane's hair and call them 'cute.' They are not cute, but rather, they are lethal.

Starting a nudist colony in building number 3 is extremely inappropriate.

Do not put a dildo in Edward's biology book.

Do not put a dildo in anyone's books.

It gets annoying when you repeatedly touch peoples' hair.

Especially Rosalie's.

Even if it is lush and soft and silky…

Do not sing 'Smack That,' as Bella walks by with Edward.

Do not sing 'Sexy Back' as Alice walks by.

Do not sing 'Baby Got Back,' as Mike walks by.

You may, however, sing any of these songs as Rosalie walks by. Only if you are in a secluded place where there are no people within a 20 foot radius.

Edward is not gay.

It is wrong to refer to Jasper as that 'emotional little girl.'

No one cares about what you had for breakfast. Especially the humans.

Humans in cars are not to be referred to as 'meal on wheels.'

You are not allowed to threaten humans that you will eat them. Even if they don't know that you are serious.

Edward is not having an affair with Charlie Swan. It is wrong to tell people otherwise.

You are not to ask Charlie Swan how his grandson is doing. If you do so, you will be responsible for paying for the heart surgery he will then require.

You are not to use the phrase 'oh yeah, gurl, BAYUM!'

You are not to use Alice's hair gel in your own hair.

You are not to use Alice's hair gel in anyone else's hair.

You are not to use Alice's hair gel. Period.

You are not allowed to be in a bad mood and then blame it on PMS.

You are not to ask Bella for a tampon in public.

Or Edward.

You are not to steal all of the neighbor's pets and turn them into vampires. It will make Bella jealous.

Edward doesn't appreciate it when you call him the 107 year old virgin.

Or Eddie.

Bella doesn't like it when you hug her so tightly that you break her ribs. Edward really doesn't like that too much either.

Do not eat, throw away, blow up, or burn this list.


End file.
